After almost 1 year and many, many soulless Gingers, Dirty Gingers will be taking an indefinite hiatus. In the meantime, you might want to fill the void left in your soul by visiting The Skip-Raid, which is also funny.
Before the Ginger Knows You're Dead
Name: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Age: 41
Why are they famous? Name 1 movie without an appearance by PSH. Do it. I'll wait for you. You can't do it, right?
Philip Seymour Hoffman is a great actor, sure. But not until the other day did I realize he was a Ginger. I always though he was just one of those blonde-hair white-eyelashes kids (not an albino - I didn't mention anything about red eyes, did I?). But as it turns out, PSH is a pretty big Ginge. No pun intended; the man is a pig. The picture above must have been while he was slimming down for a role or something. I wonder what it would be like to work as PSH's stylist? I bet all the clothes come back damp as hell and smelling like wet dogfarts. His dry-cleaning bill must be through the roof - I feel sorry for the woman who has to touch anything that has been in his ass crack. Ugh, vinard to high heaven. But the real question is...would I let him hit it? A normal person would say no, but I have been chugging a pretty high-potency mix of Mouthwash and Lean. So yes with an S, and no with a but. The but being under no circumstances do I go near his butt; I bet his ass looks like a Sarlacc Pit.
OG Original Ginger
Name: Ginger Root aka Zingiber Officinale
Age: Lasts about 2 weeks in the fridge before it turns into your Grandma's face
Why are they famous? It's a Ginger - get it? Thanks, I'll be here all week.
But really, all hy-larious WW2 USO-Tour calibre jokes aside, I think I may be one of the only people on Earth that goes for Thai/Chinese/Japanese/Mexican/Honduran/Taco Bell and says "Number 9...but, no ginger, k?" I abhor Ginger, and it's not just cause of the name (I promise). I love Gingerbread. I love Gingersnaps. Two snacks, both sweet and delicious. Ginger is not meant to be in savoury foods. I don't need Ginger added to Chicken or snap-peas or Sweet and Sour Pork. Sorry, it's gross. Same goes for Cilantro; it does nothing but ruin food. So far, Gingers have attacked 4 of my 5 senses:
Sight: an obvious one
Smell: Gingers smell like cabbage and Dollar Stores
Sound: Carrot Top's voice is the reason I went deaf
Taste: Ginger in food is one of God's trickiest jokes
I have yet to go into paralysis from a Ginger touching me, but that would make one assume I have let a Ginger actually touch me (NEVER!)
Oh say can you Giiinge, by the dawn's ear-ly Giiiiinge
Name: Uncle Sam
Age: not sure, but definately old enough for his family to dump him in a home.
Why are they famous? because America and God and the flag and SWEET BABY JESUS, TODAY IS AMERICA'S BIRTHDAY!!
Even though I am a Canadian, I do love America. There is just such an overwhelming pride in that country. Also, they have a terrific selection of sugary cereals and candybars. But today is America Day (isn't everyday America Day) and I have a lot of American readers (thank you!)
I couldn't find a decent American Ginger; I heard Dwight D Eisenhower was a ginge, but the man is dead and I feel bad lampooning him. So here is Uncle Sam; the man may be grey, but you can tell he used to be a Ginger. Those rosy cheeks, that scowl. The pointing (Gingers LOVE pointing at stuff). Also, by wearing a large top hat, he is drawing attention away from his Ginge. Its a classic Ginger move: massive hat, huge sunglasses, decorative sword. Anything to get people to say "wow, look at that goofy hat" instead of "ew...a Ginger".
Happy 4th of July all! Eat a few good old fashioned America Balls for me!
Gingie Get Your Gun
Name: Bernadette Peters
Age: 60
Why are they famous? Along with Bebe Neuwirth and Kristin Chenoweth, Bernadette Peters is one of the Queens of Broadway. Which is the same as being the manager of a Quiznos. Kidding! Musical Theatre is legitimate. Sort of. Moving on, Bernadette Peters has also acted in several films like The Jerk and...others. But I will always remember her as Rita, the streetwise alleycat from Animaniacs. That's right, Gingey; no matter how many Tony awards you win, you will always be known as an animated singing cat.
Queens of the Ginge-er
Name: Josh Homme
Age: 35
Why are they famous? Homme is famous for a few reasons; the first being the lead singer of Queens of the Stone Age, the husband of Distillers crazy-face Brody Dalle, and (I kid you not) his nickname is The Ginger Elvis.
Homme does nothing to erase the Aggressive Ginger stereotype; he has recently made headlines for his mid-concert tirade where he threw down an F-bomb. No, not Fuck. The F-dash-dash. The Get You Bitchslapped in the Village F-word. So, needless to say, Homme has angered the Homos. Hey-o! Yeah, that was bad. I'll let myself out.
Gingers of the Sea
Name: The Clownfish
Age: I dunno...after dinosaurs or something?
Why are they famous? Up until 2003, the little orange clownfish was merely a smarter, less-retarded Goldfish. Then a little movie called Finding Nemo came along and the next thing you know every fishtank from here to Alaska had a clownfish in it.
But there are seveal reasons why the Clownfish are the Gingers of the sea:
1. The clownfish combines two horrible things: clowns and gingers
2. They are one of those useless fish that is too small to eat
3. Clownfish are one of the only types of fish that can swim and live in anemone (which is very very poisonous to the majority of fish). That means they can't be killed like normal fish. Which means they don't have the soul of a normal fish and oh my god, Clownfish don't have souls. There you have it. PROOF - I am basically a scientist.
Everybody wants to be a Ginge...because a Ginge's the only cat who knows where it's at.
Name: Thomas O'Malley
Age: Who cares? If he was a real cat, he would be long dead.
Why are they famous? He's Thomas O'Malley, the Alley Cat. Also, he was a notorious gold-digging playboy, and somewhat of a drifter. Definately NFA. O'Malley is famous for his 'fuck-em and leave-em attitude as seen in this clip.
This is like every guy's worst nightmare, eh? Hot girl, alone in the forest, making "get me out of here and I'll give you a BJ" eyes. Then all of a sudden, she's like "I got kids! I hope you got cash, cause they need Happy Meals and Baby Dunks!"
But the more pressing issue here is Duchess' children. Is she a candidate for Maury Povitch or what? Dutchess, close your legs. Three kittens, three different dads? If you can still walk after all the fucking you've been doing, then walk yo ass down to the Vet and get spayed. Bob Barker would smack a bitch if he saw how irresponsible your owner is. O'Malley wants Duchess for one thing (easy pussy) and Duchess wants O'Malley for one thing (Baby Daddy). Get your shit together, you two!
Law & Ginger: Gingeral Intent
Name: Alicia Witt
Age: 33
Why are they famous? You may know Alicia from a variety of things. Law & Order: Criminal Intent (aka the Law & Order that sucks), Cybill, or the tard with the pigtails who sucks at the clarinet in Mr. Holland's Opus. So, all in all, Alicia Witt has made some terrible, terrible carreer moves. I don't even want to mention the rest of the work she has done; mostly bit-parts in shitty 2-season TV shows. But imagine her trying to get into an LA party?
"Hi...I don't think my name is on the list, but you probably know who I am. I was in a lot of TV shows in the 90s. Mm-hm, okay, you still don't know? Do you watch Law & Order? All but the shitty one? Okay, I wil assume you are talking about Criminal Intent. I see. Let me ask you this...have you ever seen Mr. Holland's Opus? No? Thank you for your time."
Na na, nanana, hey hey - ginger me away
Name: Terri Conn
Age: 33
Why are they famous? Terri Conn probably means nothing to you, but I bet Ashley Dupree does. Still no bells going off? Well, if the picture above isn't bringing back any memories, then you probably didn't watch low-budget, poorly directed Canadian television. Ashley was the spoiled Southern Belle of Breaker High. And if you have ever seen Breaker High, you know that very few television series come close to the high calibre filmmaking involved in this 1996-1998 series. It's right up there with M*A*S*H, Seinfeld, and Mary Tyler Moore. Oh wait, I'm sorry. I meant S Club 7 and Student Bodies.
Anyways, Ashley really isn't a Ginger; more of a Daywalker. Definately a bitch. How did she have friends? I guess when you are stuck on a yacht with people you make friends fast. I used to think that Breaker High was a bogus idea for a show (highschool on a boat? Lame) but that was until I met someone who WENT TO HIGHSCHOOL ON A FUCKING BOAT!!! Yes, for real. She went to highschool on a boat. She said it wasn't as fun as Breaker High, but really, what is? PS - I used to have such a crush on Shawn (Ryan Gosling) and my sister used to make fun of me so bad. She would always pronounce Tamira's name like he did: Tah-MEER-ah. Anyways, you all can suck my ass, cause I liked him first. I liked him before The Notebook and Lars and the Real Girl and before McAdams. Yeah, that came out more stalker-y than I would have liked. Anyways, my gift to you - the Breaker High theme. Thanks, You Tube!
Checkin the time on your Gingex watch; that's Rojo Caliente
DISCLAIMER: The following may not be suitable for the following persons - pregnant women, those with heart or respitory problems, children, the elderly, persons prone to spontaneous combustion, persons with the ability to recognize pure, anadulterated shit.
Name: Megan Taylor
Age: 19
Why are they famous? Well, aside from being a turd, she is the singer of the 'hit' song Rojo Caliente. If you ever wanted to know what it is like to be deaf, listen to the song above. Your ears will commit suicide somewhere around the 0:15 mark. When I watched it I could hear a tiny voice in the back of my head that went aw, hells naw and then suddenly I couldn't hear a thing. I am slowly getting my hearing back, but is it really worth it? I would rather make out with Carrot Top than listen to this song start to finish. And when I say Carrot Top, I mean 2008 roid-raging Carrot Top.
The rumour is that Megan turned 18 or something and asked her daddy for a recording contract. He agreed, which would lead me to believe that her father is, pardon my French, a Re-Re. So her dad spends up to $1 million for the music video, and we are then forced to endure the shiteousness. Thanks, Mr. Taylor. Where can I light a flaming bag of dogshit for you to find? Anyways, the song is just about things that are Rojo Caliente (red hot). She lists things like Rolexes and Gucci bags and photo shoots, but those of course are the lyrics after the producers asked for re-writes. The original lyrics talked about finding SPF-80 on sale at Walgreens, holding a baby without it crying, not having feces thrown at you when you are in public, going 24-hours without someone calling you Firecrotch.
So what is the obviously talented and musically gifted Megan Taylor doing right now? She is a student of Canada's Queen's University. So, if you have a free weekend and want to kill some time, make your way to Kingston, Ontario and hunt down Megan Taylor. I'm sure she would be desperate to sign an autograph or 40.
You'll be back at K-Mart selling Gingeballs
Name: Shelley Long as Phyllis Nefler
Age: ...uh...no clue. I guess she was supposed to be like, 40 or something?
Why are they famous? Obvies because she plays a spoiled Beverly Hills Ginger mom who becomes a Scout Leader in her daughter's Girl Scout Troop. And while the movie is fantastic 80's camp, it does commit two crimes:
1) they dyed Shelley Long's naturally blonde hair orange. Ew.
2) they permed it. Double ew.
If there is anything grosser than Ginger hair, it's poodle-permed Ginger hair. I went to school with a girl who had a terrible perm. This was in grade 3, by the way, so the following can be classified as child abuse, I think. This girl had a severely bad mall perm in her white-blonde hair. Also, she smelled like pee. Really sour pee pee. And it was in her hair, like one of those air sponges, you know? Those things you put in your house and they are supposed to take the smell out of the air? I put one in my closets at my old apartment, and my closet still smelled like a dead body. That's really as accurate as I can get - it was an old building and the closets smelled like someone was hiding the the walls (probably playing hide and seek) and then they did such a good job that no one found them and then they died. That's where I come in with my air sponge.
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Troop Beverly Hills. Jenny Lewis played her Ginger daughter in the movie, and we have already discussed her in a previous post. I usually like to mention that the cover of Rabbit Fur Coat gave me nightmares for weeks cause I am scared of Gingers and Twins. Double Ew!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)